


The Duchess and The Devil; Or, An Ode to Archie

by FlirtyFroggy



Series: Hornblower Commentaries [2]
Category: Hornblower (TV)
Genre: Commentary, Episode reviews, Essays, Meta, Other
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-07-10
Updated: 2011-07-10
Packaged: 2017-10-21 05:46:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,905
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/221606
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/FlirtyFroggy/pseuds/FlirtyFroggy
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Round two of my commentaries (a much more appropriate term for these than 'review', I think) on the delightful series <s>Kennedy</s> Hornblower. Now with 30% less snark, but about 3,000% more Archie-love. Buckle your swashes, here we go...</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Duchess and The Devil; Or, An Ode to Archie

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [Bamber Bunnies](http://www.bamberbunnies.com/) July 2008. Probably doesn't make a lot of sense if you're not familiar with the TV series. Somewhat Archie-focused as ~~I love him~~ it was written for a Jamie Bamber fansite. For the same reason, this series of commentaries does not cover Archie-less episodes.

'Twas a bright and sunny day. No, really. And that water just looks gorgeous. A boat full of French sailors rows towards the shore. Perhaps they're planning a picnic. If so, they're going to be disappointed; they are Being Watched. By people who are, clearly, not the best of friends. 'We're here to fight them aren't we?' 'No, we're here to defeat them.' See, Horatio sees the big picture and Hunter, um, doesn't. Pay attention, this will be Important later.

'Bonjour, mes amis.' Ahh, smirking Horatio, we don't see nearly enough of you. Presumably he is smirking because he is so pleased with himself - he has a cunning plan. He is going to capture a French ship using nothing but some hats, a toothpick and a packet of Fruit Gums.

A fight ensues on the ship, during which Styles throws a small boy over the side. Now, I'm all for not shooting small boys, and I'm very glad that Styles doesn't, but if the small boy can't swim (which is very likely) then Styles has killed him anyway, and it would probably have been kinder to just shoot him.

There follows a scene notable mainly for its sledgehammery writing (Hunter does not approve of Horatio's tactics and thinks they may Lead To Trouble) and the general wonderfulness of Matthews.

Pellew's cabin: the captain pretends to give Horatio a hard time about his methods. Played by anyone else, this scene (in fact the entire character) could easily be very cringe-worthy, but Robert Lindsay adds a spark and a warmth that makes you a) genuinely like him, and b) be genuinely be amused by him. Even exposition!Pellew is entertaining as he informs us that Horatio's exploits will make him richer than he's ever been, and that he'll be able to use the money to buy the new uniform he sorely needs. Ooh, and he'll be able to buy one in England where he is ordered to take his new toy ship. Pay attention, all this will be Important... quite soon, actually. For our socially inept hero has been invited to dinner with some lord or other. 'A much sterner test.'

Poor, skinny Horatio. Not only are his stockings too big, but everyone from the captain to Mr Hunter is queueing up to take the piss. 'Main dish'll probably be monkey'. It's a hard life being such an easy target. Also, pulling that sticking plaster off is really going to hurt.

Horatio At A Social Gathering is every bit as entertaining as you might expect. In fact, I am reminded strongly of when he first arrived aboard the Justinian. He never quite reaches those heights of awkwardness, but he clearly out of his depth nonetheless. He is introduced to the Duchess of Wharfedale, who teases him mercilessly but with such a twinkle in her eye that you can't help liking her immediately. 'Captain? What, that puppy? Are you entrusting me to a mere babe?' Her meaning is completely clear to everyone but Acting Lieutenant Oblivious, though to be fair, he could just be too consumed with embarrassment to notice.

The Duchess really reminds me of my Auntie Jan. The accent, the mannerisms, the bluntness. Even something about her looks. Not that this is of any interest to anyone but me.

The Duchess is a fabulous burst of outrageousness amongst a group of people who, while no doubt perfectly nice, are a little stuffy and restricted. Though obviously not that stuffy and restricted since they not only tolerate her presence but seem to enjoy it. She's one of those people who says what others wish they could but would never dare. 'That's how I caught the Duke's eye. Well, that's what my friends say. My enemies say I caught summat else.' Horatio looks genuinely shocked and then genuinely amused, which he hides behind his wineglass. During the course of the meal, the penny drops for Horatio and he discovers he has more important things to do with regard to the Duchess than make eyes at her across the table: he is to take her home to England. Oh, the fun they will have! We also find out that the Spanish have a hefty fleet and, Horatio believes, are likely to use it. Pay attention, this will be Important later.

Back on board Horatio's toy ship, Captain Pellew and the Duchess are being loaded aboard. Horatio is clearly as good at passing information about passengers onto his men as Pellew is at passing it onto him. 'She's all yours Mr Hornblower. Good luck, sir.' Have I mentioned I love Robert Lindsay? I love Robert Lindsay. Pellew gives Horatio some dispatches that are of Vital Importance and must not fall into enemy hands under Any Circumstances. Pay attention, this will be, well, you know.

They're under way, and Horatio is clearly losing patience with Hunter's constant carping. 'When I want your opinion I'll ask for it.' Careful Horatio. That sort of attitude may lead to Trouble.

The Oriente is very impressive.

Was he ever intending to fire on the boat? Surely every ship in the fleet would just beat the crap out of them?

Interesting thing about Horatio. He is, as Pellew tells us later, 'punctilious in matters of honour', and yet he is prepared to ignore that if it means winning. 'You play the rules of war very loose'. I'm not sure where he draws the line or how he differentiates between which things he will be stubborn about, and which things he can just discard.

(By the way, I realise I'm speeding through some of this. Sorry. I'm impatient to get to the main event. Nothing much happens in these bits anyway.)

That French uniform really suits Ioan.

Cherie Lunghi's accent is a bit... off. I suspect it's a deliberate choice though, either as a class thing or because the accent is supposed to be fake. Or possibly that's what Yorkshire accents sounded like in the 18th Century.

Dun dun dun. The Duchess speaks fluent Spanish.

Horatio and his crew are rowed to shore. The water looks gorgeous, again. Seriously, I've never seen water look so inviting. Maybe it's because the weather here's been so rubbish lately - far too warm but it's rained more or less constantly for about 3 weeks - that I just long for dry heat and lovely, clear, cool water. Our boys are led ashore and into prison while small children throw fruit at them. Hunter, being all mature, attempts to throw some back before Horatio stops him.

Horatio and Hunter enter their cell. Horatio moves towards one bed. Hunter sits on the other...

Holy coincidence, Batman! It's Archie!

Horatio and Hunter talk about Archie as if he's not even there. 'He's lost the use of his mind and the use of his legs'. But not the use of his ears, as far as we know. I know they're whispering but he's, like, 2 feet away from them.

'You'll never escape'. I don't really know what to say about this scene - I could watch it over and over, just looking and listening. Poor, broken Archie with his face so blank and his eyes so hurt and his voice so defeated.

Horatio sits outside with the men discussing escape. Hunter wants to leave 10 minutes ago, Horatio wants to wait until Archie is better 'I will not leave ~~my man~~ one of my men behind'. Styles and Matthews agree with Horatio, everyone else is ominously quiet. Do Styles and Matthews agree because it's Horatio or because they genuinely want to try to help or Archie? Or both? How much do they know about Archie's fits and their cause anyway?

Archie has a fit during the night; Hunter lies in the bed opposite and watches him but does nothing to help. Ooh, you ****. Horatio wakes up and goes to help Archie. We find out that Archie hadn't had any fits until Horatio's re-appearance. 'I will not go back to the Indy. Do not ask me to.' Does Horatio ever tell Archie that Simpson is no longer on the Indy and is, in fact, dead? Because that might help.

Horatio argues with Styles, Matthews and Oldroyd about why they're sitting around when they should be escaping. Horatio is right about waiting, but mucks it up with his attitude. He explains why they can't go yet clearly and logically, and then finishes up with 'We go when _I_ say.' Even without this repeated refrain, it's unlikely that he would manage to convince the doubters. Horatio has many qualities, but his empathy needs work. He cannot understand that fear and cabin-fever can override logic and common sense. He is able to see the big picture and act accordingly; for most of his men the desperate need to just get the hell out overwhelms everything else.

'You do have opinions, don't you? No, nor razors neither.' How much of Horatio's determination to take his time is really to do with the Duchess? I don't for a second believe that he would choose to sit out the war in order to spend several years flirting with a sexy older woman, but it must be having a subconscious effect. At the very least, it's making his imprisonment a lot more enjoyable than everyone else's. He doesn't even notice that Archie, who he's so desperate to save, is looking sicker by the moment. Not to mention looking at him like, if he had the strength, he'd walk over and punch him in the face.  

Why does anyone follow Hunter after his little display with the fruit? The man is clearly off his head. I can only assume the rest of them aren't too far behind him. Also, how are they supposed to eat that fruit? It seems to consist mostly of lemons and limes.

Even Styles is beginning to believe Horatio has no intention of escaping any time soon. Yet, other than voicing his thoughts on Horatio's plan to 'board her Ladyship', he doesn't waver in his loyalty to Horatio. Matthews genuinely trusts that Horatio is thinking of a plan. Styles doesn't believe it but stands by Horatio anyway.

Archie finally gives in to starvation and Horatio carries him through a sudden and convenient rainstorm to Don Massaredo. Few people can look that good while looking that, well, dead. There is something compelling about the shot of Archie's face as Horatio holds him; Jamie really does have fabulous bone-structure. Even upside down.

Who couldn't love a man who can quote Shakespeare while delirious?

Oh my God it's The Scene. IloveitIloveitIloveitIloveit. Who would have thought a man so sick and so awash with self-pity could be so ridiculously sexy. I think it's the voice, all rough and, well, rough. And the light from the fire. I will quote the whole thing for no other reason except that I can and it allows me to hear it in my head:

    'Don't you want to get back, hm? Stand on the deck of the Indy; hear the wind in the rigging.'  
    'And hear how Horatio Hornblower rescued his shipmate from prison?'  
    'It wouldn't be like that.'  
    'It would be just like that.'  
    'You'd do just the same for me if I were in your shoes.'  
    'But you're not. And you never would be.'  
    'Archie. I won't survive if you don't help me. None of us will.'  
    'You don't need me.'

Archie is adamant at first, and bitter. Then he reluctantly starts to believe Horatio. Or rather, we see that he wants to believe him, but he's been alone for so long with his own doubts and fears and insecurities that he can't quite get there. Horatio comes closer and leans in towards Archie.

    'You're one of us. We don't leave unless you do.'

I suspect a lot of this is Horatio's guilt talking. Not that he doesn't genuinely want to help Archie for his own sake, but he must be feeling guilty for having been the one to clobber him over the head in the first place. Horatio leans even closer.

    'You can't let us down. You must get strong.'

If in doubt, guilt trip! It works though. Horatio leans closer still, closing the gap between them until his lips brush - oh, wait. That last bit only happened in my head. Nevermind. Archie finally drinks the water. I think I prefer my version.

Hunter and his nameless pals are outside discussing their escape. Again. A shadow falls across them. Oh, Oldroyd. How could you? Horatio stays by Archie's side all night. Awww. They both wake and Horatio attempts a joke. Archie wants to say something which is clearly serious and Horatio, apparently expecting Archie to get all mushy on him, attempts to brush past the conversation. Archie is having none of it - he has bad news for Horatio. His girlfriend the Duchess isn't a Duchess, she's an actress called Katherine Cobham. 'I knew Drury Lane like it was my home'. Ok, nobody likes the theatre _that_ much. Archie, you've been a naughty boy, haven't you?

Long scene, or series of scenes, where the Duchess' real identity is revealed to and by various people. She and Horatio have dinner with Don Massaredo and a French Colonel, De Vergesse. The Colonel, somehow, recognises the Duchess. Kitty Cobham must be some sort of 18th Century version of Julia Roberts. I can buy that Archie recognises her (he's apparently seen every performance of every play for at least the last five years), but some French guy who went to the theatre a few times while he was in London? Really?

Walking back to Kitty's room Horatio tells her she knows who she is. Once behind closed doors she flits impressively between herself and the Duchess. De Vergesse interrupts them and informs them, as if they didn't know, that they could both end up dead if he reveals her secret. Kitty, full of as much sparkle and vivacity as the Duchess, offers herself up as incentive for keeping his mouth shut. 'Horatio, are you still here?' Ouch. *winces on Horatio's behalf*

Horatio is spoon-feeding Archie in bed. Rather, Archie is in bed and Horatio is sitting in a chair beside the bed. I prefer my version. 'What's wrong, Horatio?' Something about the way he says 'Horatio' (not just here but at other points in the series too) makes me melt. 'Nothing Archie. Just planning our escape.' Ooh, you liar. You're thinking of Kitty, aren't you? Yes you are.

Horatio and Kitty talk outside: Horatio is bolshie and Kitty is magnificent. 'Your lack of civility does you no credit, sir.' Kitty points out the bleeding obvious (she did what she did to save both their lives) but their chemistry as they argue sparks off the screen so strongly that you don't really notice. Besides, the bleeding obvious does have a habit of escaping Horatio, so maybe he did need telling. Again. His dispatches are still safe, and I don't think I've ever loved Horatio more than when he is completely honest and admits that, no, he would never have entrusted said dispatches to an actress. Also, lovelovelove his jealousy.

Alas and alack! The Duchess has gone! She left Horatio a gift, though. He should learn Spanish to assist in his escape (presumably the Don doesn't know this, though you'd think it might cross his mind) so she has left him a lexicon and a copy of Don Quixote. Horatio and Archie (who it turns out speaks a little Spanish, clever boy) sit outside studying them. Archie's grooming is gradually improving, which is how we know he's getting better.

Ah, Hunter's ill-advised escape attempt has finally arrived. You would think, considering how long he's been planning it, he would have thought a bit further ahead, but apparently he never got beyond drawing squares in the sand and sticking pebbles on the corners. The best bit about this whole sequence? Hunter does that very British thing of speaking English but speaking it with a bad approximation of the accent of the person being addressed, as if this will enable them to understand. 'He's seeek, por favor, come queeek.' Our heroes (and Hunter) fight their way out of their prison yard, only to find themselves in another courtyard, which is, lo and behold, full of Spanish soldiers. Wow. I did not see that coming. Hunter takes a bullet to the leg and rolls around on the floor, and Horatio stands between him and Don Massaredo yelling 'hold your fire' and wearing a cringing expression that is most unlike a) Horatio and b) any fictional military hero ever. Richard Sharpe never winced like that at the prospect of being shot. Don Massaredo calls off the dogs and glares at Horatio; Horatio gives him the full-on puppy-dog eyes. Unfortunately, Don Massaredo is not a hormonal fan-girl and is thus unmoved.

The boys are back in their own yard getting a dressing down from the Don. 'I want  to know who is responsible.' I would have thought that was obvious. I have never personally witnessed the attempted escape of any prisoners of war I may happen to be guarding, but I think that if I did the first person I would have against the wall would be ~~Archie~~ the one leading the charge screaming 'let me at 'em'. Maybe that's just me. Archie, who knows what awaits the instigator, quietly begs Horatio to give Hunter up. Acting Lieutenant Honourable has no intention of doing any such thing, however, and he and his rather incredible profile inform Don Massaredo that he is to blame.

Horatio is locked up under the grating in the yard. Archie and Hunter are back in their cell. Hunter is whimpering on the top bunk (how the hell did he get up there with a bullet in his leg?) while Archie bandages his leg with what looks to be the smallest handkerchief in the world and also an unnecessary degree of vigour. Go Archie! 'It sent me nearly mad and I could not walk for a month after'. Thanks for reminding us what may happen, Archie. What with you trying to starve yourself to death for most of the episode, we weren't aware of any possible ill-effects of Horatio's predicament.

Matthews, Styles, Oldroyd and a few nameless crew-members are in their cell. Oldroyd looks suitably remorseful as they look out at the yard. 'Mr Hornblower would have got us out of here. He would. He'd have walked us down to the harbour, nice and easy. Found a nice little boat. Sailed us all the way back home, no problem.' I'm not sure this is true but I love Matthews' faith.

Hunter sits in his cell refusing to eat. Archie, rather than following Hunter's example when he was in the same situation, follows Horatio's and guilt-trips him into eating. 'He'll need you.' Um, why?

After an indeterminate amount of time Horatio is taken from his prison and returns to his cell. Archie is reading ~~porn~~ Don Quixote by the window and he and Hunter rush to Horatio's side when he comes in. Horatio makes what I think is meant to be an attempt at a joke and then keels over. Archie and Hunter both laugh with relief (I think at the joke, not the keeling over) and Archie sits on the floor holding Horatio and brushing his fingers repeatedly across his chest. And this bit isn't even in my head. This bit actually happened. Woot! Gotta love this brothers-in-arms stuff.

Brief montage of both Hunter and Horatio recovering from their injuries. Horatio walks on the beach a lot.

Horatio is walking on the beach in the rain (as you do) when he spots two ships out to sea. He is joined by Don Massaredo who hands him his eye-glass. One of the ships is Spanish, the other one... 'It's the Indefatigable, sir. It's my old ship.' What are the chances? The Al Maria hits the reef and starts to sink. Horatio convinces Don Massaredo to allow him to take a boat full of his own men to pick up survivors.

Rather cool shot of Horatio in a boat being carried by his men which makes it look like he's riding a chariot, followed by a seemingly interminable scene of rescue in the rain where little can be seen and even less heard. Kitty Cobham is still aboard the Al Maria and is rescued. Hunter dies rescuing the captain. The storm is too strong to risk heading back to shore; they'll have to ride it out at sea.

'Sir! It's the bloody Indy!' No! Surely not!

The boys are back ~~in town~~ on the Indy and Pellew is as fabulous as ever. He gives orders rapidly but can't quite bring himself to talk about the Duchess taking her clothes off. In his cabin he once again pretends to give Horatio a hard time before informing him that he is now a Commissioned Lieutenant. Hornblower imparts his somewhat surprising news to his captain - he gave Don Massaredo his word that he and his men would return and he must keep his word. Pellew is Unimpressed and summons them all on deck where he tells them that Horatio's word does not bind theirs and they are free to stay where they are if they want. Archie speaks up first. 'If Mr Hornblower has given his word, that holds good for me'. The others, led by Oldroyd, follow suit.

They row away from the Indy and back towards prison while the Indy fires its guns. 'They're firing a salute for us'. Horatio looks thrilled; Archie, not so much. After everything he's been through, that prison must be the last place he wants to be, but he goes anyway just so Horatio can keep his precious honour. They arrive back at their cell and Archie looks round with a sweet little smile on his face. 'It almost feels like home'. Gah! He's killing me. Seriously. His resillience is remarkable. He spent God knows how long enduring Simpson, who had Horatio contemplating suicide after a few weeks, followed by God knows how long alone in prison, including a month locked in a hole in the ground. And after all that he gives up his freedom for the sake of the friend who knocked him out in the first place and smiles and says it feels like home. I mean... just... gah!... *dies*.

Horatio and the others are finally granted their freedom on account of how noble and heroic Horatio is. No mention is made of how noble and heroic everyone else is. I have no idea what sort of time-frame all this takes place in - they could be there for weeks, months or even years. There is absolutely no indication (unless I've missed something - entirely possible) of how much time passes during these events.

So, yes. Horatio is honourable and noble yet crafty and daring; Kitty Cobham is brilliant and vivacious and clever; Pellew is just all-round fantastic; Oldroyd learned a valuable lesson; Hunter died an inevitable death; Matthews is loyal to a fault, as is Styles; and Archie is brave and strong and loyal and gorgeous and damaged and smiley and I have fallen so hard for the sunny little frakker that it isn't even funny. This may be my biggest crush on an imaginary person since I fell in love with Prince Caspian when I was nine. I really need help.


End file.
